The Small Space Between What We Feel and What We Do

The Small Space Between What We Feel and What We Do

Dear friends,

Warm greetings to you all.

Sometimes, from the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed at night, our minds keep running without rest.

Someone’s words may continue to trouble us.

We may feel that another person has ignored us.

Something we hoped for may not have happened.

Worries about what tomorrow might bring may keep gnawing at us.

What do we do at such times?

Some of us become angry.

Some snap at others.

Some withdraw into silence and avoid speaking to anyone.

Others replay an incident in their minds over and over again, worrying even about things that have not happened, as though they had already occurred.

Only after some time do we begin to wonder whether our reactions were right.

We regret saying words we should never have said.

We realise that we have unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings.

Sometimes, we even become angry with ourselves.

At such moments, a question often arises within me.

Are we obliged to react immediately to every emotion that arises within us?

When anger arises, must we inevitably become angry?

When fear arises, must we remain trapped in fear?

When someone hurts us, must we hurt them in return to heal our own wounds?

The answer is no.

Standing at the threshold of old age and looking back on life, this is one of the important truths I have come to understand.

We may not always be able to prevent emotions from arising within us.

But we can gradually develop the ability to decide where those emotions will lead us and how we will respond to them.

It is in this understanding that I see the profound beauty of a concept known as Presence.

### What Does Presence Really Mean?

When we hear the word presence, some of us may imagine a state of constant calmness.

We may think that spiritual growth means never getting angry, never worrying and never allowing anything to disturb our minds.

But true presence is not that.

We are human beings. We experience happiness and sorrow.

We experience love and disappointment. Sometimes we feel hopeful.

At other times, we become frightened when we think about the future.

If awareness meant eliminating all these emotions completely, living such a life would be difficult not only for ordinary people but for anyone.

True presence is not merely being aware of ourselves when our minds are peaceful. It is also being aware of ourselves when our minds are restless and troubled.

Imagine that someone speaks harshly to you today.

Their words stir anger within you. Immediately, your mind begins to say:

“What right do they have to speak to me like this? I must give them a fitting reply!”

What do we usually do?

We respond in the heat of that anger.

But what might happen if, at that very moment, we paused and observed what was taking place within us?

We might recognise:

“I am becoming angry. The way this person spoke has hurt me. My mind is urging me to respond harshly.”

If we can recognise this, a new possibility opens up.

The anger has not disappeared.

The emotional wound has not healed immediately either.

But before anger completely takes over and determines our next action, we have begun to observe ourselves.

That observation is awareness.

And the small space created by that awareness helps us guide ourselves rather than being carried away by our emotions.

### Our Emotions Arise Within Us, But They Are Not Our Entire Identity

Understanding this idea can bring about a profound change in our everyday lives.

We often say:

“I am angry.”

“I am frightened.”

“I am feeling restless.”

It is true that these emotions are present within us. But they do not define the entirety of who we are.

Just as clouds appear in the sky, different emotions arise in our minds.

Some clouds pass quickly.

Others cover the sky for a long time.

Sometimes, a storm may even arise.

But the sky does not cease to exist simply because clouds have appeared.

In the same way, the arrival of anger does not mean that we must remain angry people.

The presence of fear does not mean that we are incapable of facing anything.

A period of sadness does not mean that our entire life has become a failure.

Instead of treating this as a mere philosophical idea, try applying it to your daily life.

One morning, you may wake up feeling low.

You may have no desire to do anything.

Instead of immediately concluding, “I am always like this. Nothing in my life ever goes right,” try asking yourself:

“Today, my mind feels a little weary. How can I treat myself with kindness while experiencing this feeling?”

That one question can change your approach.

Rather than criticising yourself, you might give yourself the rest you need.

You might go for a short walk.

You might listen to a favourite song.

You might open your heart to someone you trust.

You do not have to fight with yourself, demanding that your sadness disappear immediately.

First, acknowledge that it is there.

Then, gently choose what you need.

We cannot always change our emotions according to our wishes.

But we can learn to change the way we relate to them.

### A Moment Between Anger and Response

What often disturbs our peace of mind is not merely what happens to us, but also the immediate reactions we have to those events.

A disagreement may arise between husband and wife.

An argument may develop between parents and children.

Someone at work may criticise our efforts.

A friend may behave in a way we did not expect.

At that moment, the mind immediately begins constructing a response.

“They always behave like this!”

“Nobody respects me!”

“I will never speak to them again!”

An incident that began with one small disagreement can draw in memories of previous incidents and create an elaborate story inside our minds.

A minor problem that occurred only a few minutes ago can rob us of our peace for several hours.

Sometimes, it can trouble us for days.

One simple way to break this cycle is to create a small pause before responding.

That pause may last a minute. Sometimes, even a few seconds may be enough.

During that pause, breathe in gently and breathe out slowly.

Observe what is happening in your body.

Is your heart beating faster?

Are your facial muscles tightening?

Is your voice preparing to rise?

Do not try to change anything immediately. Simply observe.

Then ask yourself:

“Will the words I am about to say help resolve this problem?

Or will they make it worse?”

The answer to this question can often guide us in the right direction.

Sometimes, we may respond calmly.

At other times, we may say, “We are both upset right now. Let us talk about this after a little while.”

In certain situations, we may need to firmly refuse to accept hurtful treatment.

The important point to understand here is that presence does not mean silently tolerating everything.

If someone behaves wrongly, we can point it out clearly.

We can protect our boundaries.

We can make firm decisions when necessary.

But there is a significant difference between doing these things consciously and acting after losing ourselves in the grip of anger.

Suppressing our emotions is one thing.

Learning not to be ruled by them is another.

The first may cause us to suffer inwardly.

The second helps us understand ourselves and respond with greater clarity.

### How Do We Live With an Anxious Mind?

Worry occupies a significant place in our everyday lives.

We worry about our family’s future, our children’s well-being, our financial circumstances, our health, our work and our relationships.

Some worries encourage us to take appropriate action.

But many worries keep us thinking about things beyond our control, even when there is nothing we can do about them at that moment.

We worry tonight about a meeting that will take place tomorrow.

We mentally experience an imagined problem many times before it has even occurred.

Our fear about a loved one’s health may prevent us from being fully present with them, even while they are sitting beside us.

We live in the present.

But our minds keep running into the future, exploring all the things that might happen.

At such times, simply telling ourselves, “Do not worry,” does not necessarily make the worry disappear.

Instead, try asking yourself:

“I am feeling worried right now. Is there a practical reason for this concern? If there is, what can I do about it today?”

If there is something you can do, do it.

If you need to consult a doctor, arrange an appointment.

If you need to organise your finances, sit down and examine your accounts.

If you need to speak with someone to clarify a matter, have that conversation.

But when our minds keep worrying repeatedly about something we cannot do anything about at present, we must recognise that the worry is also taking away the happiness available to us in the present moment.

We do not know what tomorrow will bring.

But there are small, worthwhile things we can do today.

We can speak kindly to the people who live with us.

We can eat the food before us with gratitude.

We can spend some time walking outdoors.

We can read a good book.

We can share a heartfelt laugh with someone we love.

These may seem like small things.

But life is not made up of major events alone.

Our lives are also shaped by the accumulation of these small, everyday experiences.

We need not abandon our concern for the future.

But neither should we lose the present while constantly thinking about the future.

### Happiness Does Not Depend on Everything Going Our Way

Many of us attach conditions to our happiness.

“I will feel peaceful once this problem is resolved.”

“I will be happy if my children behave the way I expect them to.”

“If everyone understood me, I would have nothing to worry about.”

“I can live peacefully only when my expectations are fulfilled.”

In this way, we hand over our happiness to the actions of other people and to external circumstances.

But when we look back on life, one truth becomes clear.

There have been very few days when everything happened exactly as we wanted.

Many unexpected events have occurred.

People we trusted may sometimes have disappointed us.

We may have been unable to follow the path we planned and had to travel in a different direction.

Does this mean that our happiness must always depend on external circumstances?

Can we be happy only when other people change?

Instead of expecting the world to operate according to our wishes, if we begin to observe how we respond to the circumstances life presents to us, we begin to recognise the power that remains within our own hands.

We cannot control the minds of those who ignore us.

But we can learn not to waste our entire day thinking about every action they take.

We cannot force the people we love to agree with all our opinions.

But even when our views differ, we can speak to them with respect.

We cannot command life to keep suffering away from us.

But when suffering comes, we can try not to abandon ourselves.

This is one of the great freedoms that presence offers us.

Happiness does not mean living a life without suffering.

The ability to continue experiencing the love, beauty and peace that remain available to us, even in the midst of suffering, is also part of happiness.

### Before Trying to Understand Others, Let Us Understand Ourselves

We are often quick to judge the behaviour of those around us.

If someone does not speak to us, we assume that they do not respect us.

If someone disagrees with our opinion, we conclude that they are against us.

If someone fails to meet our expectations, we assume that they do not care about us.

But we do not know what is happening in their minds.

They may be struggling with worries of their own.

There may be difficulties in their lives that we know nothing about.

They may have understood our words differently from the way we intended them.

I am not suggesting that we should accept everything others do.

Nor do we need to justify behaviour that hurts us.

But it is wise not to assume that our first impression is the complete truth.

This is closely connected to awareness.

First, we observe the emotion that arises within us.

Then, we examine whether the conclusion we have drawn from that emotion is actually true.

Only after that do we decide how to respond.

When we learn to do this, unnecessary conflicts in our relationships may begin to diminish.

We become better listeners.

We feel less compelled to justify ourselves immediately.

When someone makes a mistake, we may learn to distinguish the action from the person, rather than treating the entire individual as a bad human being.

At the same time, we become more capable of acknowledging our own mistakes.

It takes maturity to say:

“I spoke that way because I was angry at the time. That was not right. Please forgive me.”

Rather than trying to become a person who never makes mistakes, it is far better to become someone who recognises mistakes and knows how to correct them.

This maturity can bring greater peace to our family lives, friendships and workplaces.

### How Can We Practise Presence in Everyday Life?

We do not need to travel to a mountain to practise this.

Nor do we need to abandon all our responsibilities and move to a quiet place.

We can practise presence in the very life we are already living.

When you wake up in the morning, before rushing into the day's tasks and worries, sit quietly for a minute or two.

Observe your breath as it enters and leaves your body.

When thoughts arise, do not try to drive them away.

When your mind wanders elsewhere, simply recognise that it has wandered and gently bring your attention back to your breathing.

Those few minutes are not about making your mind completely free of thoughts.

They are an opportunity to become familiar with how your mind works.

Then, as you go about your daily activities, try to reduce the habit of thinking about ten things at once without fully experiencing any of them.

When drinking tea, notice its taste.

When eating, pay attention to the flavour and aroma of your food.

When walking, notice your feet touching the ground and the sights around you.

When your life partner speaks to you, instead of planning your next reply while they are talking, genuinely listen to what they are saying.

When a child speaks to you, instead of nodding while looking at your mobile phone, give that child your undivided attention for a few minutes.

None of these are great achievements.

Yet they help us gradually move away from the habit of being physically present in one place while mentally living somewhere else.

Most importantly, remember this practice when emotions become intense.

When anger arises, acknowledge, “I am feeling angry.”

When fear arises, acknowledge, “I am feeling afraid.”

When sorrow arises, acknowledge, “I am experiencing sadness.”

This simple awareness of our emotions creates a new path between denying them and allowing them to control us completely.

We will not be able to do this at every moment.

Sometimes, we will speak in anger again.

Sometimes, we will become immersed in worry.

At other times, we will return to our old habits.

We need not criticise ourselves for that.

Recognising what happened afterwards and trying to respond with a little more awareness the next time is itself a form of growth.

What matters is not whether we managed to remain calm throughout the entire day.

It also matters how quickly we recognise that we have lost our calm when it happens.

### Spiritual Maturity Does Not Mean Withdrawing From Life

Sometimes, we imagine that spirituality means reaching a higher state beyond all emotions.

But we can also see the beauty of spiritual maturity in the way we conduct ourselves in everyday life.

It may be reflected in speaking respectfully to someone we dislike.

It may be reflected in patiently explaining ourselves to someone who has misunderstood us.

It may be reflected in acknowledging our mistakes.

When our children choose paths in life that differ from our expectations, spiritual maturity may mean trying to understand them rather than attempting to control them.

When our life partner holds a view different from ours, it may mean not treating that difference as a threat to our love.

None of this means that we will never feel angry.

Sometimes, we will feel hurt.

Sometimes, we will struggle.

Sometimes, we will fail to behave as we had hoped.

But we can try to observe our emotions, understand the needs behind them and act in accordance with the values that matter to us.

This is what it means to live with awareness within life, rather than withdrawing from life itself.

As I see it, spiritual maturity is not about changing ourselves in ways that make others look at us with admiration.

It is about understanding ourselves a little more clearly and becoming people who can offer as much love and peace as possible to those who share our lives.

Practices such as meditation, observing the breath and sitting quietly can help us develop this awareness.

But their benefits become truly meaningful in everyday life when that awareness finds expression in our words, actions and relationships.

If we sit peacefully during meditation but become angry with others over every little thing in our daily lives, it simply shows that we still need to practise bringing our awareness into our everyday conduct.

There is no need to feel inferior because of this.

After all, is not life itself a school of experience that continues to teach us?

### Our Freedom Lies in That Small Space

Standing at the threshold of old age and looking back on life, I find that many of my experiences point towards one important message.

We cannot arrange everything in life according to our wishes.

Unexpected events will occur. Expectations may be shattered. Relationships may become complicated.

We may experience physical and emotional exhaustion.

Some things we deeply desire may never come our way.

But not every event needs to rob us of all our freedom.

Someone may have hurt us.

We may be unable to change what happened.

But we can examine whether we need to keep bringing that pain back to life in our minds and allow it to make our present day miserable as well.

We may have experienced failure.

We cannot erase it.

But we can choose whether to make that failure our entire identity or learn from it and take the next step forward.

Our minds may sometimes produce thoughts that frighten us.

But we are not obliged to believe every thought as though it were the truth and live accordingly.

This is where the true power of that small space between what we feel and what we do becomes evident.

That space is not a place to deny our emotions.

It is a place to understand ourselves.

It is not a place to suppress anger.

It is an opportunity to avoid doing things in the heat of anger that we may later regret.

It is not a place to eliminate fear completely.

It is a place where we can find the courage to do something worthwhile even while fear remains within us.

It is not a place to forget sorrow immediately.

It is a place where we can continue living with our sorrow while remaining open to the love and beauty that life still offers.

Within that small space, we choose who we want to be.

Instead of repeating an old habit, we can choose a new way.

Instead of seeking revenge, we can choose to protect our peace of mind.

Instead of passing judgement immediately, we can try to understand.

Instead of blaming ourselves, we can learn from our mistakes.

None of this will become easy in a single day.

But every time we make a conscious choice, we strengthen our ability to live with greater responsibility and clarity.

This does not mean that suffering will never touch our lives.

It may touch us. Sometimes, it may affect us deeply.

At such times, seeking help, talking to people we trust and giving ourselves the rest we need are also expressions of awareness.

We need not believe that strength means handling everything alone while remaining outwardly calm.

It takes courage to acknowledge our emotions honestly and seek the support we need.

### Dear Friends,

We learn so many things throughout our lives.

We study. We work.

We build families.

We work towards financial progress.

We strive to achieve many things.

Yet, sometimes, we forget to set aside time simply to observe what is happening within us.

When our minds become angry, worried, frightened or disappointed, we often run along with them, allowing ourselves to be carried away.

Let us pause for a moment and look within.

An emotion arises within us.

We become aware of it.

We try to understand it.

Then we decide how to respond.

That is all.

And yet, this simple habit can bring about significant changes in our lives.

It can help us avoid placing our happiness entirely in the hands of others.

It can help us reduce unnecessary arguments.

It can help us nurture love and understanding in our relationships.

It can help us treat ourselves with kindness when our minds feel weary.

Above all, it can help us truly live our lives.

We may not know what tomorrow will bring.

We may be unable to change what happened in the past.

But in this very moment, we can try to recognise what is happening within us and consciously choose how we wish to act next.

If someone hurts you today, pause for a moment before responding.

If a worry overwhelms you today, instead of immediately trying to drive it away, observe what it may be telling you.

If your mind feels weary today, give yourself the kindness you need instead of criticising yourself.

If happiness comes your way today, experience it fully rather than allowing worries about tomorrow to take it away.

Because life is not merely a list of goals we must achieve.

It is also a beautiful journey that we are meant to experience and live, one day at a time.

We may not always be able to decide what arises in our minds.

But we can learn how to live with what arises.

Along that path of learning, let us stop treating our emotions as enemies and begin to understand them.

Let us remain present with ourselves not only when our minds are peaceful, but also when they are restless and troubled.

Because true presence does not mean living a life without storms.

It means becoming aware of what is happening within us even when the storms of life are raging, and consciously choosing the next step we take.

Let us learn to create that small space in our everyday lives.

Within that space lies our clarity.

Within that space lies our choice.

And within that space lies the true power to live with love, responsibility and happiness, without losing ourselves along the way.

You can do it.

With affection,

Sakthi Sakthithasan